The Twinkie From Hell
The other day at work, I found a package of Twinkies stashed away in a cupboard along with some other Little Debbie treats. They are there thanks to the generosity of the Little Debbie delivery guy who brings us the stock that gets rotated out of the stores.
Anyhow, I figured that since I have not had a Twinkie in ages, I'd see if the makers of said treat had improved on the taste. I was horribly disillusioned.
The instant I bit into the evil, yellow-dyed lump of goodness, I was greeted with an odd grainy kind of texture. Following that was the taste. Not only was it stale, but it had a flavor that I cannot to this day identify. The closest comparison I can think of is mud. Oh well, I took another bite. More grainy texture, followed by a greasy, yet goopy sensation as I got a bite of the "creme" filling.
Do not be mistaken. I firmly believe there are no dairy products in that creme filling. Probably mostly consisting of hydrogenated vegetable oil, it leaves this scummy coating in your mouth that not even 409 cleaner can scrub off. It's like the Exxon Valdez ran aground in your mouth.
I continued to punish myself, taking more bites of the grainy, squishy, oily pastry until I had finished it. It was an all-out assault on my taste buds. The preservatives left a curiously odd after-taste.
By the time I choked the last bite down, I could feel my esophagus struggling to force what was left into my stomach. It churned and gurgled and made sounds unfamiliar to me as it desperately tried to figure out what hit it. I felt ill, yet somehow my body was not compelled to reject what I just ate. It was a horrible feeling, considering that was exactly what I wanted to do.
May that be a lesson, a warning to all you who see Twinkies stacked up on the shelf at the store, in their pretty packaging. Just move on, unless you want to go through the agonizing culinary hell I went through.
Anyhow, I figured that since I have not had a Twinkie in ages, I'd see if the makers of said treat had improved on the taste. I was horribly disillusioned.
The instant I bit into the evil, yellow-dyed lump of goodness, I was greeted with an odd grainy kind of texture. Following that was the taste. Not only was it stale, but it had a flavor that I cannot to this day identify. The closest comparison I can think of is mud. Oh well, I took another bite. More grainy texture, followed by a greasy, yet goopy sensation as I got a bite of the "creme" filling.
Do not be mistaken. I firmly believe there are no dairy products in that creme filling. Probably mostly consisting of hydrogenated vegetable oil, it leaves this scummy coating in your mouth that not even 409 cleaner can scrub off. It's like the Exxon Valdez ran aground in your mouth.
I continued to punish myself, taking more bites of the grainy, squishy, oily pastry until I had finished it. It was an all-out assault on my taste buds. The preservatives left a curiously odd after-taste.
By the time I choked the last bite down, I could feel my esophagus struggling to force what was left into my stomach. It churned and gurgled and made sounds unfamiliar to me as it desperately tried to figure out what hit it. I felt ill, yet somehow my body was not compelled to reject what I just ate. It was a horrible feeling, considering that was exactly what I wanted to do.
May that be a lesson, a warning to all you who see Twinkies stacked up on the shelf at the store, in their pretty packaging. Just move on, unless you want to go through the agonizing culinary hell I went through.
posted by That Brown Guy at 12:20 AM
1 Comments:
LOL!!!
Your blogging is so descriptive, I could almost feel myself gagging on that twinkie.
Wish I could say that curbs my love for the hellions.
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